| (BLEEAN, if you're reading this, don't tell Mom that I wasn't studying at home today, because I AM.  ) I can't believe it's already been three years since I went to Urbana back in my first year. What a troubled, messed up kid I was at that time! (Hehe, I defy anyone to say that they cried more than I did during my first year of university!!) Not that I'm so very mature even now, but I can truly say that I can trace all of the spiritual transformations that I have experienced over the last few years to the work that God began in me at Urbana '03. Right before I left for the conference that year, I was really distraught over a particular issue--I don't think I'd ever felt that way before then, and I haven't felt that way since. I couldn't even talk to the people around me that I would normally turn to. I don't think I could've felt more ALONE, and I was just generally SAD. So needless to say, by the time Urbana rolled around, I really, really didn't want to go. I didn't even want to go home most of the time during that December, so the thought of being around people 24/7 for five days straight was maddening, especially because I didn't want to tell anyone how I was feeling. But I had already paid a lot of money for it, so what could I do but go? There's too much to recap regarding how God began to really transform me at this conference. But here's a condensed version of a very specific incident that I remember vividly: During one of the prayer sessions, I just felt sooooo tired. Overwhelmingly so. And all I could say over and over to God, over and over and over again was just that: "Lord, I am so tired." And for the first time, I was able to tell somebody outside of my family (one of the Intervarsity counsellors who were praying for the students) about that issue that I was struggling with. I know it seems like a cliche, God took care of me when I was weary, etc. etc. But He did more than that...somehow, He started setting me free from the chains that were holding me back, even strangling me. I don't think you ever forget the moment when "I was blind but now I see" becomes a reality, not just a line from a well-known hymn. *** The thing that gets me is that so often, we hurt others around us because we feel insecure about ourselves. We try to assert our worth at the expense of tearing others down. Or we tear ourselves down, saying we're not "good enough" when God values us so, so much and He has done everything to let us know that truth. Or we live in so much darkness and pain because we stay imprisoned in our minds, whether that prison is in the form of our delusions, need to gain approval, whatever. I know that it was at Urbana '03 that God started releasing me from these chains, and He's still working on me right now. |
